Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.