“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
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me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house