ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.