I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?