Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175