son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
those birds must be on payroll
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Knock Knock
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.