I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
won’t smith
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend