Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
same bro
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food