if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum