{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”