If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
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[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”