Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
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It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family