friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
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School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Oceanography is all about current events
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
im all 3
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Called it
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Don’t tell me what to do
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.