It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
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Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee