Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
You Might Also Like
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Incredible customer service.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
good work, everybody
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland