Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured