Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.