No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
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Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.