If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
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When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
The Others (2001)
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.