Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Not today.. 😂
I put the mess in domestic.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Breaking news:
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.