Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
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Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Saw your ex at the shops
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…