“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
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I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Every haunted house movie:
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.