Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Just as the prophecy foretold
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Love this one 😂🧟
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative