If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
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We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.