I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
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Many hands make light work
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.