gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
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Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
#growingpains
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG