Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.