“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Green is just blue that someone peed in