My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
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9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
How did we not see this back then?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”