Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
You Might Also Like
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
why no one uses midhusbands
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
that colleague who touches your screen
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”