can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.