Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
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Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.