Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
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[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.