Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.