Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups