meanwhile over on facebook
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Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
All generalizations are stupid.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.