Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
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I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.