Inside you there are two wolves
You Might Also Like
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides