Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.