Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
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If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!