Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
You Might Also Like
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby