I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
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some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.