Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
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NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn