I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
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He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
how long have you had this for?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory