If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Just a friendly reminder!
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.