We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
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[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I think they could have phrased this better
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!