Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
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Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog