Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I only treason on days ending in y
Hotels are back
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed