Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
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burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
This is the best one I’ve seen
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.