You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
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Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Worth the read.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.